Every relationship – even the healthiest one – includes arguments and disagreements. However, some of them can turn toxic if certain signs are ignored. There is a spectrum of toxic relationships that ranges from exhausting to downright dangerous. Here are a few signs that you may be in a toxic relationship and should either get couples counselling or end the relationship altogether.
Living with inconsistency and anger
Toxic people are frequently critical, sarcastic, and argumentative. If your partner is regularly prone to irritation or exploding into a rage, this is a major issue. A person who is chronically angry and insecure is emotionally unbalanced and incapable of being a supportive companion.
You know it’s toxic when you feel like you have to hide away from or avoid your partner. Another sign of toxicity is if you’re finding it hard to predict when your partner will be angry or kind. You don’t deserve to walk on a tightrope in a relationship, where one wrong move can lead to getting hurt.
Inability to communicate effectively
Communication is a vital part of every relationship. If you find it impossible to communicate with your partner about things that matter without an angry, passive-aggressive, or sarcastic response, it means that you are not able to communicate your feelings properly and ultimately resolve issues.
The more you attempt to communicate and get met with these types of responses, the more likely that your communication is going to completely break down. If you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells around your partner, this is an unhealthy sign of communication failure. It will lead to self-abandonment, repressing feelings, and a sense of being trapped in what is supposed to be your safe space.
Controlling and manipulative behaviour
When your partner begins to control your movements, becomes angry about what you do in the time you take for yourself, or places endless expectations on you, this can be toxic and a sign of psychological abuse. This can also include consistently being guilted. Being in a relationship does not mean belonging to someone else.
If you feel like you’ve lost yourself in your partner and have put the needs of your partner over yours for so long, then you need to be aware of the signs. This is a huge red flag that you are in a toxic relationship. It is crucial in every healthy relationship to have boundaries and for the person you are with to respect them.
Holding onto grudges
If you feel like every time you do anything to upset your partner and they bring it up again in the future, this is a sign of resentment and is ultimately toxic. People who are emotionally immature need to prop themselves up on a stack of your mistakes, failures, and weaknesses. When they can’t think of anything negative to say, they invent something or bring up something from the past.
Dishonesty
This can go both ways for different reasons. If your partner is lying to you to get away with things like cheating or misusing finances, then this is a massive problem. It is also an issue if you find yourself telling white lies to avoid conflict and an angry or aggressive response from your partner.
Constantly feeling drained, anxious or stressed
If you feel stressed, anxious, or emotionally drained every time your partner is around you, then this is a major red flag of a toxic relationship. This will ultimately lead you to depression and will have an overall negative impact on your mental health and wellbeing. This, in turn, can lead you to stop prioritising self-care and putting your own needs first. You deserve to be happy, safe, and fulfilled in a relationship.
Gaslighting
This is a complex issue and can rear its ugly head in all sorts of ways. If your partner is an emotional bully who belittles you and then writes off your emotional reaction by telling you that it was just a joke – this is an example of gaslighting. The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to make someone question their reality, judgement, and self-confidence.
A gaslighter will make their victims feel stupid or tell them that they are overreacting. This will lead you to feel very confused, have repressed anger, make you feel powerless and, if done consistently, will make you extremely dependent on your partner as they hold the reins of your perception of reality and self-worth. If you are in a co-dependent relationship and tend to be isolated with your partner (instead of seeing and talking to other people for outside perspective), this is a major sign of a toxic relationship.
If either partner believes that he or she ‘cannot live without the other’, then they may threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends. This can make you feel trapped and unable to escape. It can also lead you to believe that your entire world will fall apart if the relationship ends. Inter-dependence, not co-dependence, is the hallmark of a healthy relationship. You deserve to be free, independent, and happy.
Physical or sexual violence
This goes beyond toxic – straight into the realm of abuse. If you are experiencing this in any relationship, you need to get out as soon as possible. You can contact the GBVCC on 0800 428 428 from anywhere in South Africa, or use their “Please Call Me” option to get them to call you back by dialling *120*7867# on your cell phone.
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